Why?

Why is it that even though I've known for approximately 4 months that we are getting married September 13th, WHY HAVE I FAILED TO LOSE WEIGHT so that I could be comfortable in the dress I picked out? Why is it that just because I was painfully thin and could eat and eat and never exercise for the first 29 years of my life, why have I failed to grasp the reality that that is most definitely NO LONGER THE CASE?

I learned a harsh, harsh lesson yesterday, and it is this: if you put on a "body shaper" in a desperate attempt to squish your mid-section together enough to fit into said dress, what happens is that the fluffy bits that prefer to hang around near your belly button get forced UPWARDS toward your arm pits causing THE ZIPPER ON YOUR DRESS TO BREAK.

My very helpful mother suggested:
a) that I fashion DUCT TAPE sash to keep the zipper from breaking during the ceremony. She even offered to decorate it with rhinestones for me.
b) that I buy some pretty pink shoe-laces and lace the dress up.
c) that I develop an eating disorder immediately.

Now, a mere 8 days before the wedding, I am forced to frantically search for a NEW dress, one that does not make me feel like humming the jingle from the Jimmy Dean sausage commercials.

Help.