Friday, August 27, 2010

::fat pants::

Today is one of those delightfully cool-ish days when it juuuust starts to feel like Fall. Which made me oddly excited to put on some pants for the first time in many months. See, all summer long, every single day, I wear skirts or dresses. Loose, comfy and cool. And so I went to the dresser and pulled out my favorite skinny-legged orange cords, which I planned to wear with some cute sandals and flowy top.


I could not zip up said orange cords. Not. Even. Close. So I put them back and pulled out some lightweight chinos. Couldn't zip them either. So then I pulled out my "baggy" Levis. Yeah, guess what? I couldn't get those suckers buttoned if my life depended on it. See, at this time last year (when I bought all the above mentioned pants) I was training for a marathon, running 25-35 miles a week. Even then I didn't weigh that much less than I do right now, but apparently I was considerably leaner. And having NOT run since, oh, February or so, the muscle has been replaced by flab. Specifically flab around the middle. I've really noticed it lately, catching a glimpse of my reflection when I am not holding my stomach in. I might look a little bit pregnant.

I will admit that I secretly hoped that I might have one of those perfectly harmless but gigantic cysts on my uterus that you read about while standing in line at the grocery store: "Woman who thought she was 6 months pregnant actually had a cyst the size of a Rhode Island!!" And then the doctor would cut it out, hand it to me, and I'd get my picture in the paper, smiling and holding a Butterball turkey-sized cyst while wearing my cute size 8 orange cords.

But, well, I went to the doctor this morning to follow up on my pneumonia and go over my blood work and he failed to mention any unusual 40 pound growth. Which means that I really am just fat.

Which leaves me with a decision to make before it really is pants-wearing-season. As I see it, my options are:

1) Purchase an entire new wardrobe of big-girl pants. Spandex must be really, really comfy; that's why you see so many really big women wearing it while shopping at Walmart, buying their cookies and Diet Pepsi in bulk.

2) Sew elastic panels into all the pants I have, like maternity pants. What?? I have some really cute pants, damnit, and I want to wear them.

3) Move to Southern California or Arizona so that I can wear dresses and skirts year around. Ppphhfffttt. Who needs pants? Of course, I will have to convince my husband, my daughter and my ex-husband to move with me.

Oh! I just thought of one more option:
4) I could join one of those religions where the women aren't allowed to wear pants. So they wear, you know, calico dresses all winter, with their snow boots on underneath. Do Mennonites have to believe in God? I might be screwed.

Seriously....what am I going to do???

PS. If you suggest anything with the word "diet" in it, I will hunt you down and EAT you.


Jodi said...

Believe it or not, I know exactly what you're talking about. For the very first time in my life (it started about 6 months ago) I have belly fat. Big, ugly, belly fat.

I own 2 pairs of pants and when the knees blow out (I have no idea why the knees go first) I go to buy 2 more pairs and find that the previous size is too damn tight around the middle.

I feel your pain sister...

Jenn said...

So I was trying to get pregnant, so I just kept eating all of the chocolate (good and cheap) that was constantly at work, because hey, I was gonna be preggers, why not?! Then I kept not getting pregnant each month, yet I kept putting more and more chocolate in my mouth (plus the tons of wine and beer summer brings along with it). So, I now have gotten "soft"...the size 8's still fit, but only because they have that stretch in them. And there's the muffin top hanging over of course now! I'm not going to get preggers now, but I don't feel too sporty either...maybe I'm storing up for winter? Save money on sweaters with a nice layer of fat. My new motto, "just because it's free doesn't mean you're hungry"

mary said...

The initiative taken for the concern is very serious and need an attention of every one. This is the concern which exists in the society and needs to be eliminated from the society as soon as possible.
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Jodi said...

Somehow I don't think "Mary" actually read your post.

Dee said...

Mary--------HUH! ??????

I believe "Mary" is a guy from Somalia.

But back to THE PANTS. I too feel your pain, as it happened to me when I was sofa bound with foot surgery. Now I'm not, but lazy. All thru life thru ages and stages, weight and flab comes and goes----mostly comes. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!

My "word" is flubb almost flab.

kate said...

I think Mary is deeply concerned about my flab, and feels it (I??) need to be eliminated from society as soon as possible. Zoiks. That's a bit extreme.

Casey said...

Buy new pants. Keep old ones in your closet "just in case" until you're at least 3 sizes too large for them. That's what I do.

I love the gigantic cyst fantasy. Now I'm going to have that one too.

And yes, I was born and raised in Garden Valley and went to school there all 12 years. Class of 92, baby!

Ariadne Rooney said...

I went for 3 months blaming my lack of pants that fit on my dryer. Because, you know, it could NOT POSSIBLY BE that cookies and ice cream expanded my ass to Somolia-size dimensions.

Just ask Mary. She will tell you what a huge problem a Somolia-sized ass is and how it should be removed from society. My ass and Sarah Palin.