Friday, October 3, 2008

d.o.r.k

This morning I had an appointment with my OB/GYN; I got to get my cervix scraped! Wwwhhhheeeee!!!

But my regular doctor (a woman) was in a delivery. I waited almost 2 hours for her to arrive (which is SO par for the course at this particular office but I won't get into that now, oh no I won't) when the nurse poked her head in the door and, cowering behind her clip-board to protect herself from flying objects, asked if I'd mind if the male doctor came in and performed my colposcopy. I said I didn't mind if it would allow me to put my damn pants back on sometime before noon.

So as I sat waiting for the doctor, naked from the waist down but for the paper-towel draped across my lap, my eyes wandered down my legs and HOLY SHIT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SHAVED MY LEGS. Actually, that's not true. I remember that I shaved them the day before my wedding. So...September 12th. And now, three weeks later, I have more in common with Sasquatch than Mr. Clean.

And I wouldn't have given it a second thought if my regular FEMALE doctor was going to see me, but a male doctor? Oh god, I couldn't let him think I was..was...slovenly and didn't know that small woodland animals had taken up residence. So me being me, well, when the good doctor came in and gave the orders to "stirrup-up", I blurted out something along the lines of "If you feel something brushing your ears while you're down there, don't be alarmed! It's just the hair on my legs ha ha ha!"

Yeah. Better to POINT IT OUT, right? This poor, kind, grandfatherly man actually blushed.

Jesus.

WHY? Why could I not just lay back and be cool (and quiet)? I guess because I am so. not. cool.

sigh.

14 comments:

David said...

OMG - Who am I married to?!?

Is there an out clause?

JACKI said...

LMAO! Way to play it off cool...

Jenna Z said...

That is so me, too! Although I almost always make sure I have shaved because even though I have a lady doctor, I would STILL be embarrassed about leg hair. What is it about colposcopies and man doctors? Whenever I have to have one of those, I always get stuck with the man doctor who is cold and rough. But apparently the only one who can work the super-lady-parts-magnifier.

Maggie said...

Every time I have the lovely annual exam with my OB/GYN, I have an internal struggle between the 12 year old part of my brain that is embarrassed and wants to giggle the whole time and the 39 year old part of my brain that says "for god's sake, get a grip, you're an adult woman!" Starting to think the 12 year old never goes away completely. Crap.

jpogue said...

God, you're such a dork!

kate said...

David: No.

Maggie: I don't think our inner 12 year old ever goes away. sigh.

Jodi: Hey, at least I admit it.

Dee said...

Oh, yes, do point it out. You made the poor old man blush, and he, being a doctor, has seen everything, but not, apparently , heard it !

Linda, aka "Lala" said...

eeewwww

Robyn said...

I say embrace the inner 12 year old.

Sarah Dee said...

It is great for my health to read your blogs. I laugh so hard I cry... Thanks Aunty! xo

Imez said...

Oh god that's beautiful. I did laugh, quietly.

I said almost the same thing to my young handsome OB/GYN, to which he said, "I don't look anywhere but where I'm working." Which wasn't comforting, actually. Since he was working on my vagina.

Blank Girl said...

A colposcopy, huh? That SUCKS.

Whosyergurl said...

Remember when I got you & Dooce confused - a long ways back?

This post proves why that is possible. OMG, you are hilarious!

The question should be...socks or no socks? AND...were your toenails painted?

You didn't use the glitter washcloth, did you? ;-)

Fancy Schmancy said...

That is hysterical! I don't bother shaving my legs unless it's a special ocassion, either. Why bother? The cats and dog don't care!