Thursday, March 12, 2009

::ex-wife of the year::

I have a confession to make and what better place to purge myself than here on the internet?!

So. Most of you know the situation with my ex-husband Eric. He is one of my dearest friends. I'm thankful every single day that I'm not married to him any more, but I adore him. He is a wonderful father, is a hard-worker, will do ANYTHING for anyone and he just has a pure heart of gold.

And he is dating the woman from hell. Let me re-cap, if I may, some of her more memorable infractions:

* In attempt to bring her into our family and make her feel welcome, I invited her to Anna's 6th birthday party, to the home I share with my new husband. Eric's entire family was there, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents. We had wine, there were candles lit, the music was playing, Eric's mom and dad were each there with their new was all very civilized and warm and friendly and there was much laughter. *J* (as she shall be called) showed up an hour late. She came into the kitchen where some of us were laughing about the birthday cake Eric had made from scratch (!) that turned out really dry. She said "Well. I don't know HOW you managed to screw it up. You were using my $50 cake pans!" ..... But wait! There's more! So, in attempt to lighten things up and change the conversation, I asked about a mutual friend of ours (an old boyfriend of hers that she is still very friendly with). I said to her "I hear Peter was just in town and that he brought a new girl to dinner with you guys." She turned to Eric and, with his sweet, very Christian mother right behind him, said "You are such a fucking gossip." AWKWARD!! Then she left the party shortly afterward without ever saying anything to the birthday girl. Buh bye.

* Once, Eric, *J* and Anna went out to dinner. Anna was extremely tired and apparently she had a melt-down (this was when she was 6). The next day I saw *J* out walking her dogs and stopped to say hello. I said "I hear Anna was a real pill last night at dinner", you know, kind of laughing, like "Kids! What can you do!" and she literally sneered and said "Oh yeah, she was JUST. PRECIOUS." I think I showed amazing restraint by not giving in to my urge to step on the gas and run her over.

* Last summer Eric had a terrible accident with a skill-saw and cut a large portion of his finger off. He had to have emergency surgery. She waited SEVEN HOURS to call and tell his daughter (and me) about this accident. Anna and I rushed right to the hospital, where *J* told us that it was "unnecessary" for us to stay. Excuse me...I don't really recall asking for your permission to care about the man I've known for 13 years and am raising a child with.

* She has NO skills with children and is so clueless about how to be part of Anna's life that I'm not sure she was ever a child herself. Her idea of "bonding" with Anna is to have Anna "help" in her yard by PICKING UP DOG POOP. Once Anna put the bag with the poop in it in the kitchen trash can (ok, maybe not the best choice but come on...why is she picking up *J's* dog poop in the first place?) and *J* demanded that ANNA WRITE AN APOLOGY LETTER TO HER.

* For my daughter's 7th birthday *J* gave her a GIFT CERTIFICATE TO A GOURMET CHEESE SHOP. Seriously.

* She makes NO attempt whatsoever to be friendly and warm to Eric's family and routinely refuses to accompany him to family get-togethers. Finally last Christmas he demanded she go to his mother's with him for dinner. *J* stood in the living room brooding and said to my ex-sister-in-law "I do not do Christmas. I hope you all know what a sacrifice this is for me to be here today." Eric's mother even got her a Christmas present; knowing that *J* loves her yard and garden, she got her a watering-can that was, apparently, a little funky and hand-crafted...but the intent was pure. Anyway, *J* opened it, looked at it, put it down without thanking Eric's mother AND THEN LEFT IT THERE when she left.

On top of all this, she is barely even nice to Eric. They have been together for two years and basically she keeps him around to build things for her (new fence, a "party patio", yard work) and to take care of her dogs when she is gone. Eric isn't "allowed" to stay the night because the dogs like to sleep with her. She has two Rhodesian Ridgebacks that she treats like lap dogs: she throws BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR HER DOGS with party hats, balloons, party favors, and they each get their very own special birthday cake.

Last night Anna was saying how daddy was mad because *J* "made" him go buy dog-food for her dogs while she "sat on her butt and watched the news." I told her "Honey, people can only take advantage of you with your permission." But you know what? I've had it. It would be different if she were the love of his live, his soul-mate....but she's not and he admits it. SO WHY IS HE WASTING HIS TIME WITH HER???

So here comes my confession. Anna and I went "shopping" on last night (where I found the love of MY life) for women for her daddy. What?! It was ANNA'S idea. Anyway, I oh-so-subtly sent him some links to women who love to camp, hike, ski, garden, kayak and most importantly, LIKE CHILDREN.

What do you I going straight to hell?


Sarah Dee said...

Hell know, you are an angel from God. I wish I could meet *J* I would put my stilleto right up her ass! :)

Sarah Dee said...

Actually that was supposed to be Hell No. After reading your story I am so mad I can't even spell right. LOL.

robyn said...

No way - you're a saint.

Write an apology letter? A cheese shop? Wow...

Jodi said...

I like Sarah's answer, but I'd have to use my tenny shoe. Knowing Eric, I can't for the life of me understand how he puts up with this, especially when it affects Anna. If it were me, I wouldn't even CONSIDER letting Anna around her. Although, it may be good for her to learn not to let shitty people affect her life.

kate said...

Thanks you guys!! I was feeling so bad that I almost didn't even admit to it. But it's good to know that I'm not over-reacting.

Sarah, can you come visit? I'll show you were she lives! hee!

kate said...

Oh! And I forgot this: recently, in attempt to bond with Anna, they went to a movie. And then she TOLD ANNA NOT TO TELL ME what they had done. Now, isn't that rule #1 as a parent: "If someone tells you to lie or keep a secret from your parents, that is a bad person and you need to come tell us right away." What kind of clueless mo-ron tells a child to keep secrets from her mother?? And over something as inconsequential as a MOVIE?? I told Eric that if I ever heard of her doing that again, I would put my foot down and she would not be allowed to be around my child EVER.

All of this makes me think Eric has been brainwashed. Seriously. W.T.F.???

Maggie said...

Wow, an apology note AND picking up dog poop. I don't even know what to say other than it's unfortunate your ex is foolish enough to put up with her and bordering on putting foot down time with him making your daughter do the same. He is a grown up with choices, your daughter is not and that woman is toxic. I think the idea was inspired.

Dee said...

Good for you Kate ! ! ! !
That woman IS toxic, and brainless and very obviously an "all about me" person. The absolute most selfish person on the planet !

Poor Eric---I too adore him, (not some of his ways) but he does not deserve her.

again-----atta Girl ! Kate ! !
Good idea Sarah !

lisa said...

i think your frickin brilliant!
ms J sounds like quite the tool. im pretty sure that while sarahs stiletto is in her ass, my stiletto would probably be down her throat.

Jodi said...

Whew! Those nieces of ours are scary! I didn't know a stilleto could be such a dangerous weapon!

Blank Girl said...

Yes, there's very graphic shoe imagery here. Although I agree with the sentiment. In all honesty, while it appears that *J* is the issue, it is Eric putting her before Anna that is the real issue. . . If he truly cared about how this woman was affecting his daughter, would he really stay with her? I can't even imagine if I had done the things she had done and Jake still stayed with me. He needs to get rid of her. Not just for his benefit, but for Anna's!

kate said...

Heather, I agree. He is such a great father in all other aspects it's surprising he tolerates her. We've talked about it a lot because Anna can't stand her. To me, that's just a deal-breaker. But *J* tells him she'll try harder and blah blah blah....but she just does not have a warm and loving personality at all. So even when she "tries" it's just painful for all involved.

He stays with her because a) it's easy (they already know each other etc.) and b) she has great "connections" for him career-wise. Sigh.

Anyway, the good news is, he wasn't mad at me at all for sending him links to He thought it was funny and that some of them were "REALLY cute!" We'll see...

Jodi said...

Kate, I think one thing people might be trying to say is that maybe YOU should put your foot down and tell Eric that he is NOT to take Anna around her. If he is going to be spending time with her, he needs to bring Anna to your house. If he won't stop the nonsense, you should do it.

kate said...

Jod, I'm trying not to get to that point. Eric and I (and David) have worked so hard to keep things not just civil but FRIENDLY. I'm afraid all that hard work will be out window if I tell him what he can and can not do with our daughter during his time with her. But I did tell him, after the latest "incident" that if I ever heard of her telling Anna to keep a secret from me, that that's exactly what I'd do.

I just keep wishing he'll come to his senses sooner rather than later.

Jodi said...

I understand exactly what you're saying, but Anna has to be your first priority and her protection against adults who would be toxic to her. Being friends with Eric is wonderful, I'm proud of you for it, but make sure it doesn't come at Anna's expense.

She should not be subjected to an adult that doesn't like her. You'll do the right thing!

Whosyergurl said...

omg, Kate, I don't know how you do it.