Dear tired six year old: please do not scream like I’ve dipped you in red-hot lava when in fact, all I did was attempt help you get dressed so we could get. out. the. door. this morning.
Dear Overly Enthusiastic Checker at Albertsons: Please do not ask how my day is going, using that completely fake saccharine-sweet tone of voice you use on your elderly, demented (and apparently, DEAF) 104 year old grandmother. You can't possibly be that thrilled about your job.
Dear George W. Bush: You are the leader (shudder) of the most powerful nation in the world. Please, for the love of all things holy, stop speaking as if you are still on the ranch in Crawford. Or I know!! GO BACK TO CRAWFORD and stay there.
Dear co-worker to whom the sound of human laughter is so deeply offensive: Please, for the love of god, GO GET LAID. And/or admit that you are gay and be fine with it. Women are not evil.
To my boss: Please, stop sending me emails with cheesy water-color images of big-eyed kittens, red roses and American flags, thanking God for our freedom. Do you not see that Darwin sticker on my car?
To this same person: Please stop sending me emails thanking me for being your best friend which then say that I have 5 minutes to send this email back to you and also must forward it to 16 of my other best friends or I will die of some flesh-eating disease. I always delete them and I still have all my fingers and toes.
To our neighbor, Ted: Ted. Please. I know you haven’t left the house for 35 years but please, I beg you, stop wearing those five-sizes-too-small-polyester shorts to water your lawn with your hose. I will gladly come over and help you figure out how to shop online. We’ll buy you a sprinkler while we’re at it.
To my ex-husband’s new girl-friend: if you didn’t want a boyfriend with an ex-wife or a child, you shouldn’t have gotten involved with this particular man. Yes, he and I do need to speak occassionally regarding our child, but I have moved on, am happier than ever and am no threat to you. I will become less a part of his life as time goes on, but his daughter is here to stay. And also? If you’d make even the slightest fucking effort, you’d see what an amazing kid she really is.
Ok. I feel better. Your turn.