Thursday, June 4, 2009

It's a good thing I'm an atheist, because I just earned a one-way ticket straight to HELL

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Dear groundskeeper of the very lovely Episcopal church,

I would like to offer a truly heartfelt apology for the highly disturbing..."thing" you are going to find when you show up for duty this morning. Please let me explain.

You see, I am a runner. I don't know if you have ever been a runner, but, well, how do I put this delicately? Runners have....bowel issues. It is crucial to attempt to empty ones bowels BEFORE a run. But sometimes? You just can't go.

Unfortunately, once one starts running, more often than not, the urge strikes. Every single runner I know has suffered some sort of embarrassing incident involving the urge to go. Runners' blogs, books and magazines are filled with horror stories of accidents during marathons or daily runs. (daily RUNS!) The very ACT of running seems to be an excellent colon cleanser; if you suffer from constipation, I highly recommend going out for a 4 mile run. Trust me, things will be running smoothly before you know it.

But, church-groundskeeper, sir, I digress. This morning I got up at the un-godly (sorry) hour of 5:00 to get in a 6 mile run before the heat of the day. I TRIED to go at home, I swear. My body is not used to being up at that hour, and therefore things were not happening as they should have. Eventually, I decided (against my better judgement) to take a calculated risk and head out for my run, assuming that once I completed my hour-long run, my body would be awake and things would happen once I got home.

I know, I know, this is too much information, but I feel I owe you an explanation. So anyway, all is well until I am approximately 2.5 miles into the run. Then I start to notice the barely perceptible "urge". Oh well, I think, I don't have much choice but to keep running because even if I did turn around, I'm over 2 miles from home. So I concentrate on the lovely temperature, the rising sun, waving friendly "hello"s and "good morning!"s to other runners and bikers.

As I round the backside of the golf course, the urge becomes a bit more persistent. I start to pay an unusual amount of attention to the giant lilac bushes and pines along the course, wondering if I could duck behind one unnoticed. Unfortunately, all the lovely homes facing the course (and, therefore, me), have their curtains thrown wide-open to enjoy the early morning light. Could you please ask God why so many old men are up at the crack of dawn, suspiciously watching innocent runners while watering their lawns with hoses?

I pass the golf course (and with it any prayer of a stealthy pit stop) and am on the home-stretch. The urge becomes more...urgent. (Here I would like to add a visual to help you understand my predicament: with every single pounding step, imagine a hammer coming down on the contents of my lower intestine, moving things along inch. by. excruciating. inch) I realize that there is no way I am going to make it home. I know that there is a bakery approximately 4 blocks ahead. Otherwise, it is just manicured lawn after manicured lawn.

Must...focus....I...am...in..control...just...make...it...to...the...bakery. At this point, I stop running, hoping that by stopping the relentless pounding, I can prolong the inevitable. Ok...not...going...to...make...it. Wait! There is a nursery between me and the bakery...just two blocks! Surely there is an outhouse there, right?! Woohooo!! Barely.....make...it...to...the...greenhouse....THERE IS NO OUTHOUSE. Crowning...I am CROWNING oh my god, I seriously may have an accident in broad daylight. Wait! A church! I know, I know...a rational person would not see a church and think "Oh good, now I can release my bowels"...but man, I was DESPERATE. Thank god (again, sorry) I carry toilet paper with me for just such an unfortunate occasion. In the past, luckily, I was on an isolated trail through a dense forest. Hey, I was feeding the little animals.

So. Again. I can not stress strongly enough how sorry I am if you should happen to stumble upon, well, you know. I had no choice. Now, I'm not a believer, but I assume you are, and I'm pretty sure that your God? He is holding a special place in heaven just for you, if that helps.

Signed,

A. Runner

16 comments:

JACKI said...

so did you leave this heart felt note laying by your turd?

LMAO! LMAO! LMAO!

kate said...

No. I'm counting on God to lead him to my blog.

Jodi said...

YOU. FRIGGIN'. SICKO.

Dear Lord, forgive my sister, she knows not what she does.

Ok, she DOES know what she does.

Dear Lord, forgive her her trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Although God, I'll certainly understand if you can't forgive that cause if somebody tresspassed against me by leaving something like that on MY lawn, I'm not so sure I'd be forgiving...

Dee said...

SOMEBODY SAW YOU! You know they did and now you cannot, CANNOT run that route again !
There could be a group of angry parisioners waiting for you ! Or, if you hear a deep voice------


THIS IS GOD-----run !

Fancy Schmancy said...

OMG, I just read about something similar on another person's blog. I don't care who you are, that there is funny right there!

David said...

OMG - you failed to mention that bit of news this morning after your run. DO you think I'm going to hell too because I married you?

Mary said...

most hilarious thing I've read all day!

kate said...

David, I thought I'd surprise you. I'm thoughtful that way.

Yes, yes you are going to hell with me honey. We're MARRIED FOR ETERNITY. (don't cry)

Nance...seriously? There is another blogger on the planet who would willingly share this kind of story? Who is she? She's my new best friend.

Rafael's Mum said...

Ever seen the film 'The Rat race'? They don't call it crowning... apparently it's 'prarie dogging'...
now there's an image I leave you with....:-)

(maybe you should carry some of your doggies poopie bags ? I can just see you running along with it ! lol)

Blank Girl said...

Wow... I was on the sofa with Jake last reading this, and when he asked what I was giggling about I had to hesitate. The words to describe our aunt pooping on a church escaped me...

:)

Jodi said...

After thinking about this since you posted it is, You are definately one of a kind...

And I can't believe you've made such fun of me over the jumpin' farts.

kate said...

Heather, I did not poop ON a church. I'd just like to clear that up.

Jod, every time I think of your first comment I can not stop laughing. I love you. Our family is NUTS.

wild child said...

I'm sure God himself must have the best sense of humor out of anyone, so I'm betting he was up there laughing his head off. The groundskeeper however.....

Meg :)

Linda said...

You have SEROUS mental issues.... You ARE insane.

ROTFLMAO
rolling on the floor laughing my ass off

Sierra said...

Oh that was just too funny *wipes tears*

Anonymous said...

You probably drive a Subaru, eat granola, fuck up traffic with your tandem bicycle, have gay rights protests at Jamba juice, follow CNN intently, talk all day long about how guns kill people, making cliff bars for dinner every night, read to your family from The Road to Serfdom and the list goes on and on. Agnostic would be a start but being dead inside is good too! Socialist sheep, marxist bitch.. you are.

Sincerely,
-Fuck You