Dear groundskeeper of the very lovely Episcopal church,
I would like to offer a truly heartfelt apology for the highly disturbing..."thing" you are going to find when you show up for duty this morning. Please let me explain.
You see, I am a runner. I don't know if you have ever been a runner, but, well, how do I put this delicately? Runners have....bowel issues. It is crucial to attempt to empty ones bowels BEFORE a run. But sometimes? You just can't go.
Unfortunately, once one starts running, more often than not, the urge strikes. Every single runner I know has suffered some sort of embarrassing incident involving the urge to go. Runners' blogs, books and magazines are filled with horror stories of accidents during marathons or daily runs. (daily RUNS!) The very ACT of running seems to be an excellent colon cleanser; if you suffer from constipation, I highly recommend going out for a 4 mile run. Trust me, things will be running smoothly before you know it.
But, church-groundskeeper, sir, I digress. This morning I got up at the un-godly (sorry) hour of 5:00 to get in a 6 mile run before the heat of the day. I TRIED to go at home, I swear. My body is not used to being up at that hour, and therefore things were not happening as they should have. Eventually, I decided (against my better judgement) to take a calculated risk and head out for my run, assuming that once I completed my hour-long run, my body would be awake and things would happen once I got home.
I know, I know, this is too much information, but I feel I owe you an explanation. So anyway, all is well until I am approximately 2.5 miles into the run. Then I start to notice the barely perceptible "urge". Oh well, I think, I don't have much choice but to keep running because even if I did turn around, I'm over 2 miles from home. So I concentrate on the lovely temperature, the rising sun, waving friendly "hello"s and "good morning!"s to other runners and bikers.
As I round the backside of the golf course, the urge becomes a bit more persistent. I start to pay an unusual amount of attention to the giant lilac bushes and pines along the course, wondering if I could duck behind one unnoticed. Unfortunately, all the lovely homes facing the course (and, therefore, me), have their curtains thrown wide-open to enjoy the early morning light. Could you please ask God why so many old men are up at the crack of dawn, suspiciously watching innocent runners while watering their lawns with hoses?
I pass the golf course (and with it any prayer of a stealthy pit stop) and am on the home-stretch. The urge becomes more...urgent. (Here I would like to add a visual to help you understand my predicament: with every single pounding step, imagine a hammer coming down on the contents of my lower intestine, moving things along inch. by. excruciating. inch) I realize that there is no way I am going to make it home. I know that there is a bakery approximately 4 blocks ahead. Otherwise, it is just manicured lawn after manicured lawn.
Must...focus....I...am...in..control...just...make...it...to...the...bakery. At this point, I stop running, hoping that by stopping the relentless pounding, I can prolong the inevitable. Ok...not...going...to...make...it. Wait! There is a nursery between me and the bakery...just two blocks! Surely there is an outhouse there, right?! Woohooo!! Barely.....make...it...to...the...greenhouse....THERE IS NO OUTHOUSE. Crowning...I am CROWNING oh my god, I seriously may have an accident in broad daylight. Wait! A church! I know, I know...a rational person would not see a church and think "Oh good, now I can release my bowels"...but man, I was DESPERATE. Thank god (again, sorry) I carry toilet paper with me for just such an unfortunate occasion. In the past, luckily, I was on an isolated trail through a dense forest. Hey, I was feeding the little animals.
So. Again. I can not stress strongly enough how sorry I am if you should happen to stumble upon, well, you know. I had no choice. Now, I'm not a believer, but I assume you are, and I'm pretty sure that your God? He is holding a special place in heaven just for you, if that helps.