warning: if you are easily offended or embarrassed, move along

Mom, I'm warning you right now: skip this post and go play some video Sudoku or something. No. Really. Go.

Because I have NO personal boundaries and apparently my embarrassment meter is broken, I have a story for you.


The other day when I got home from work, Anna informed me that she had been rifling through every drawer in the house looking for extra money for her trip. (Yeah, we had a talk about THAT already.) She told me she'd found some interesting things...for example, did I know that David has a retainer?? She also came across her baby teeth in a jar ("Eeewww gross!") and she found in one of my drawers this "weird thing with a cord" and what was it??

... "Um, that's a back massager."

"Yay! Can we use it??" OH. DEAR. GOD. NO.

She loves getting and giving back massages. How was it possible that I had this...this "tool" and had failed to mention it to her?! We could have been enjoying it for years! (no comment).

"Well....um...I think it's broken. Yeah. It's broken. It doesn't work very well." and then "Look! Animal Cops Houston is on!! Yay! Here, I'll even sit down and watch it with you!"

Whew. Quick thinking. She was distracted for the rest of the night.

And then, the next night, while David was out of town, we were snuggling in bed, her reading to me, when she suddently remembered! She wanted to try that back-massager-thingie and she was not going to take no for an answer. I quickly realized that the more I refused and the more I tried to get her to forget about that damn back-massager already, the more allure it held for her.

Finally, I relented. Oh yes I did. Just a quick little back massage to prove to her that it really wasn't all that effective...stupid defective back-massager.

So yeah. Someday, when she's about 14 or so, the lightbulb is going to go on and she's going to realize: THAT WAS NO BACK MASSAGER!!!!

Oh man. Thank god we already have a therapist.

new creation

Eric's mom (my ex-mother-in-law) is a quilter/seamstress, so whenever I see her or talk to her on the phone, she asks about what I'm working on. I shared with her the pictures of the bag I'd made for Julie and she LOVED it, especially that the fabric I used had the "nature" theme, with butterflies, birds, mushrooms etc. She asked me to make one for her, only in her colors; meaning purples, lavenders, fuchsias. Now, as you know I LOVE fabric; I spend a lot of time looking at fabric porn. I wracked my brain for anything I'd seen that might fit that criteria and was not feeling hopeful at all; nothing "nature themed" in those colors at Buttercuppity or anywhere online. And then the other day, in JoAnn's of all places, Anna and I found this most lovely fabric, all Nana's colors, covered in birds. Nana loves birds. I snatched it up and couldn't wait to get started. Here is the result:

Front:
(the pocket was very plain, so I appliqued a bird and tree on to it)

Back of the bag:

This is it "inside out"; as it is fully reversible:

And I made this little zipper pouch for an extra surprise:

I can't wait to give it to her; I think she's going to love it!

I'm making one just like it to list in my etsy shop (see left sidebar for a link directly there)

AAAAAAAAA

***

AAAAAA

Also, I have to share this. This winter has been especially bad for mice in the house; most winters it snows and freezes and that helps control the mouse population, but we haven't had that kind of winter. We see signs of them in the kitchen corners, but for some reason (happy pills? I do not know...) it hasn't bothered me as much this year. And so I've kind of adopted a "live and let live" policy. Except, I told David, if I see signs of them in our silverware drawer or on my dishes. Then I'm going to go all Rambo on their little asses. BUT that hasn't happened, and so I clean and disinfect like crazy and wait for them to notice that it's LOVELY outside and it's time to return to the great outdoors. Go! Be free!

AAAAA

And then our daughter decided that we just weren't doing enough to make them feel at home.

So she put a little box in the corner (for privacy??) and a container full of dog hair (ok, that's kind of embarrassing, but we hadn't vacuumed yet that day) and some bread. So that, you know, they have a place to rest after they gorge themselves on our pistachios. I told her this morning the only thing missing is a tiny little keg and a hot tub. I swear I could see the wheels starting to turn in that strange little brain of hers. Never a dull moment with this kid. Sigh.

::extremely random and not at all deep thoughts::

*I got rolfed this week. This was not nearly as much fun as it may sound. Rolfing is basically a massage that kicks your ass and may leave bruises. Despite this, my back and neck are still killing me.

*My friend Nichole, who definitely qualifies as a compulsive shopper (but hey! I'm not judging, especially when it benefits ME) visited from Seattle last weekend and brought me a gigantic box of hand-me-downs and rejects. And I tell you, it's like I won the clothing lottery because she has fantastic (and expensive) taste. I have worn some article of hers every day this week.

*I am wearing extremely cute shoes today (with my new favorite wide-legged jeans). Behold:
I know! Not my usual style but I love them soooo much. It's good to step outside your comfort zone every now and then, no? The store was having a half-off sale, and these were the last pair of these and they happened to be my size. I mean, how could I NOT buy them, right? Woohoo! I can't wait to wear them with skirts this Spring.

*That bag? Is an exact replica of the one I made for my friend Julie awhile back. I liked hers so much I had to make one for myself, and I get so many compliments on it, everywhere I go. The other day in Nordstroms? No fewer than 4 people (including one adorable gay boy who I wanted to stuff into said bag and bring home with me) approached me to rave about my "beautiful bag". Also? At the store where I bought those cute shoes, the owner declared my bag a "work of art" (she also owns the art gallery next door) and asked if I'd be interested in selling some bags on consignment in her store! She wants 45% which is CA-RAY-ZEE, so I won't be taking her up on her offer. But it was flattering, nonetheless. I have wonderful new business cards on their way, so I will soon be handing cards out to everyone who dares approach me with compliments.

*We went to the school talent show last night and there was a girl who came out on the stage and seriously? I thought she was some one's mom or big sister. She was at least 5'9" tall, wearing a shirt that showed how very well developed she is, slacks and high-heels. She has the body of a 24 year old, I'm not even kidding. And she's in SIXTH GRADE, ya'll. Throughout her entire song I had two thoughts running through my head: "I guess she COULD be 19, if she's flunked 6th grade, what? 6 times." And also "I bet her dad sleeps with a shotgun under his pillow." OH please oh please oh please do not let my daughter suffer the body of a full-grown woman at the age of 12.

*In a few weeks, Anna and our young friend Syringa are going to GOAT CAMP! You may not know this about me, but I have a thing for goats. It was a sad, dark day when I found out that "goat herder" was not really a viable career option for me, because my parents did not have the foresight to give birth to me in the Swiss Alps. Damn the luck. So when I stumbled upon Goat Camp, well let's just say I did not bother consulting my daughter about her wish to attend before hitting that "register now" button. Luckily she likes goats too, and goat cheese, which they will be making. Nichole (Syringa's mom) and I may or may not KIDnap (har har) a baby goat. Or three. Note to self: look into the laws about having a goat in one's backyard within the city limits.

*Once again this morning I grabbed the business end of my curling iron, thereby rendering 3rd degree burns on at least two fingers. WHAT THE FUCK curling-iron manufacturers, why do you make the barrel and the handle the EXACT SAME SIZE AND COLOR??? I should sue them. If that dumb woman can sue McDonalds for spilling scalding-hot coffee on her lap, then this dumb woman should be able to sue Revlon for for the angry, oozing wounds I now sport on my left hand. Seriously, talk about DESIGN FLAW.

and lastly:
*Because Sandra Bullock was nominated (and then won) an Academy Award, she has given numerous interviews recently wherein she talks about the fact that she was able to give the performance of her life because she found the "one man in the world she could fully trust and rely on", a man who taught her that you can't judge a book by its (tattooed) cover, the man who got her to open her heart and love someone in a way she never thought possible. And now? It's come out that he cheated on her with a tattooed porn-star-wanna-be. It just makes me sick. And that's really going to help with my almost-nightly "David comes to his senses and divorces my ass, leaving my crying in the fetal position knowing that I've lost my one true love" nightmares. I hope his pit-bull mauls his stupid testicles off.


Jesse James' stupid testicles, NOT David's. We don't even own a pit-bull.

Well! On that note, I urge you to carry on with your day and have a great weekend!

Moab, here we come!!

David and I have been together for 3 years, 2 months and 16 days (but who's counting) and we have been on exactly 2 trips alone together. Once we went to Priest Lake because it was Mothers Day and Anna was with her dad and I was pitiful. The other time we went to Santa Cruz to celebrate David's 50th birthday.

All other trips have been with Anna and almost always to see family. Who we love, but you know, that can't really be considered a vacation. Our then there was our honeymoon, which was FABULOUS, but we took not only our 8 year old, but also David's mom, his 2 brothers (one of whom kept asking me to rub his feet), two nephews aand a sister-in-law. And that's just who shared our house with us. Then there were about 10 other friends who joined us for the week in Maui. Don't get me wrong, it was an absolute blast, and we wouldn't have changed a thing. But David and I? We need a vacation. ALONE.

And so we've decided to go to Moab in April. We're taking our mountain bikes because Moab is famous for its world-class mountain-biking trails. Don't worry, we checked: they have bunny hills. We've rented a darling little cottage near downtown with a BBQ and a lovely yard and we'll ride, eat, drink, hike, rest, read, ride, drink, hike and eat.

Moab and the desert of Southern Utah is one of my favorite places in the world. Generally, if you tell people you're taking a vacation to Utah, they think you've either got a screw loose or that you're planning on snatchin yourself a couple of new wives. But I'm telling you, there is nowhere in the world like Southern Utah. And April is the best time to go: the desert is just coming back to life after winter, the cactus begin to bloom and the birds are migrating through. And the weather is perfect: not too hot, not too cold, but juuuuust right.

I am so excited I can hardly stand it. Aaahhh. It's nice to have a trip to look forward to.